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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Racism Banzai

Ever since the election, I've decided to take advantage of the new post-racial America by being racist. You see, I once had a communist bastard history professor (haven't we all) who said that racism by minorities didn't matter because they weren't in power. He was black himself, so you'd think he'd be more apologetic, but any way.

Now that "the man" keeping us down is a "black man," it seemed like I (as a pure-blooded Gaelic Nordo-Franco-Anglo-Saxon) could now express my latent inner racist. The Left always says that we're racist, after all. I proceeded to answer all of my quasi-liberal friend's complaints with "It's because we elected a nigger president." He laughed from pure shock, but he told me each time I was racist. Soon, he told me that I should seriously stop.

But "Jason," says I, "I can't help my racism. I was raised in a racist society."
"Your girlfriend is black!" he says, which is totally beside the point.
"She hates black people too." As a matter of fact, she's only 39% African and 10% European.

That settled the matter nicely. It reminds me of the time in college when I greeted a Persian co-worker with "wassup, my nigga?" He found it hysterical, though we both looked around in fear of thought-police.

So I was at a really ghetto Minit Mart last week (run by Pakistanis) with my homeboy Dave and I waited in the truck so terrorists wouldn't jack it. When he returned, I told him about the fly honey he'd missed. He disappeared for a moment in the direction I indicated and returned, disappointed that she was a Negro. I really don't see how colored girls can be excluded from the group "fly honies," considering the Urban Youth wink wink origin of the phrase.

I may rap about this experience later.

UPDATE: I realize this post sounds as if I've lost my touch for satire, but these are true stories.

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