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Monday, August 27, 2007

Founding Fathers Found

It's all rather hush hush. I'm not saying that Sandia National Laboratory accidentally brought several historical figures forward 200 years in time. I'm also not saying that these rogue Founding Fathers have vowed revenge against any particular groups, or that they've armed themselves and are currently on the move in Ohio.

For various reasons, here is presented a useful English/English dictionary to help get our wayward ancestors up to speed.

Inflammable: Flammable

No duh: Duh. Of course.

Federalist: Anti-federalist

Conservative: Liberal

Liberal: Radical

Radical: Conservative

Neoconservative: Jew, or one who practices Jeffersonian foreign policy.

Jew: this is now an ethnic slur in some situations.

Whig: Did you mean wig? Try adding keywords to refine your search.

God: no longer has real value. Used primarily as campaign endorsement.

Money: no longer has real value, thus "In God we trust."

Gold Standard: Only a metaphor, similar to "You can take that to the bank." Note that in a few weeks, "You can take that to the bank" may no longer be an assurance of fidelity. See Mortgages.

Mortgages: It is now possible to buy a house by borrowing money and using the house as collateral. This has enabled millions of Americans to become homeowners. It has also enabled negative consumer savings, trade deficits, low cost T-bills, and unrestrained growth in federal spending. For an accurate understanding of how mortgages operate as of August 2007, see Monopoly (game).

Monopoly (Microsoft): Ehh.. we don't really have time to go into this one.

Microsoft: They make games, but not Monopoly (game).

Television: A box that displays moving pictures and sound that depict violence, sex, blasphemy, and profanity of all types. What's worse is that the stories and archetypes are shallow and cliche'd, and the dialogue resembles a Chinese Box or extreme sociopath in its utter meaninglessness. Television (TV) is perhaps the single greatest obstacle to human progress and enlightenment.

HDTV: Now with sharper image!

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