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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Cosmic Truth

I sometimes forget that the point of this blog is to reveal the secret nature of reality, not to rant endlessly about socialism. So, here are a few FAQs about the meaning of the universe.

Q: Why are the Democrats so stupid?

A: They are only horribly misinformed. So are you. Virtually everything you know is wrong. How can you claim intellectual superiority? Do you really believe you are "less wrong" than they are?

Q: How come bad things happen to good pe-

A: Because they use incorrect English, such as "how come." To elaborate, I am using incorrect English as a microcosm for the errors in action and perception that "good people" constantly make. Assuming an absolute moral "good," which you just conflated with pragmatic "bad," there is still no reason to assume some sort of Karmic balance of "good" and "bad." On the other hand, perhaps you have a distorted perception of what is "bad," which seems likely since you allow exterior events to affect your own sense of self worth.

Furthermore, you err in assuming you are one of the "good people."

Q: Why are we here?

A: Wherever you go, there you are. Would you expect to be anywhere else? The solipsistic view specifically denies that, as does common sense.

A more honest answer is that we are components in a process that will eventually culminate in the achievement of one of God's goals.

Q: What are God's goals?

A: How the hell would I know? Perhaps he has none, but then the universe would be superfluous and there would be no merit to answering the question correctly. Substituting a form of Pascal's overused wager, we lose nothing by assuming the existence of said goals, and so you have your answer.

Q: What makes you so damn sure about all this?

A: I have proceeded logically from a minimum number of base assumptions. It is irrelevant to assume that your logic or assumptions are wrong. While accounting for the possibility of error in practical applications is useful, assuming that your logic itself is flawed achieves nothing.

Q: You lost me. Is there any Cosmic Truth that I can use on a daily basis?

A: First, achieve tranquility through your own internal perfection. Exterior events can not destroy your tao unless you allow them to.

Second, achieve happiness by satisfying the instinctive desires for food, comfort, affection, and reproduction. You may want to study evolutionary psychology to find out how and why.

Third, look with your eyes, not with your mind. The world is a different place than you imagine it to be. This way is enlightenment.

Q: Uhhh

A: If and when I start my own philosophical sect, buy the hardcover editions of my books.

Q: Why did Johnny American stop being funny?

A: The characters and plot reached a critical mass where my specialty, one-line gags, could no longer carry the episodes.

Q: Start a new one!

A: I have other priorities in life.

Q: What are you doing here, then?

A: I'm a procrastinator.

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