In a place that seems strange, yet eerily familiar.... In a time not too distant, yet clearly not our own... there lives one young fellow with a destiny. Tune in tonight, and every night, for the incredible adventures of Johnny American.
When last we saw our hero
, he was in a horrible, terrible predicament- Eliza Jane wanted to get married! Luckily, they had a horrible car wreck which bought Johnny time to think. But we still don't know if our hero survived the accident...Johnny:
Gee wiz, I survived the accident! I am the luckiest man alive!Eliza:
That groan of agony didn't even hurt.Eliza:
Eliza Jane! Are you trapped in the wreckage of my hot rod?Eliza:
No... here... for my... health...
(police siren crescendos, then stops. footsteps on gravel)Manager:
Excuse me, you can't park here.Johnny:
Please, help me get my girl out of the car!Manager:
(grunts and shuffling noises)Eliza:
Owie. What happened?Manager:
You're parked in a restricted area, that's what happened.Johnny:
Our- My car wrecked!Manager:
On my road? Well, let's see, there's a wreckage fee of fifty dollars MS, plus a parking fee of 2 dollars per hour, plus a towage fee of thirty dollars plus fifty cents per mile, plus a landscaping fee to be assessed later, plus my time, which has already been two minutes at a dollar for six minutes...Johnny:
Hold on. What gives you the right to charge us for all that?Manager:
Why, I'm the manager of this road.Johnny:
Son, haven't you ever been in an anarcho-capitalist region?Johnny:
I have a king.Manager:
Well, I suppose I can explain at great length. Basically, there is no law but the natural rights possessed by everyone. Take this inexpensive pamphlet. If you'll let me demonstrate-Johnny:
Aren't you charging me by the hour?Manager:
Yes, of course.Johnny:
Then have the car towed to the address written here, and give us a ride to the nearest hospital.Manager:
I recommend St. Joan's Hospital. I am required to disclose that I am a stockholder.Johnny:
Are there any non-ancharo-captalist hospitals?Manager:
There is one... But I really don't recommend-Johnny:
Take us to it.Manager:
You're the boss. Twenty cents per mile, of course. St. Hillary's it is.
Doctor, why is it taking so long? She didn't look hurt.Doctor:
I don't know. What do I look like, a doctor?Johnny:
Yes. You said you were a doctor.Doctor:
Hmm. Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate.Johnny:
What? Amputate what?Doctor:
But she didn't have anthing wrong that bad!Doctor:
Oh, haha, no, no. You see, we have to do a certain number of amputations a year to keep our Makita budget from being cut. And since we rarely have to do one, your wife gets a special bonus operation!Johnny:
But if you rarely do amputations, why do you need a budget to do them?Doctor:
That's how capitalism works.Johnny:
The nurse said, the nurse said this was a socialist utopia.Doctor:
I see, I see. So now you know the truth. Well, we can't let you live.Johnny:
But... you're a hospital. Isn't your job to-Doctor:
Our job is to make everyone feel better that there's free health care, not to actually deliver free health care.Johnny:
But that makes no sense! Where is she?Doctor:
Well, she's not in that room just around the corner.
(footsteps decrescendo, two pairs of footsteps crescendo.)Johnny:
We're leaving this madhouse, Eliza Jane.Doctor:
How did you find her? You will be flogged by your overseers!Johnny:
What? I'm not a socialist. I am a loyal subject of Wilmagne, King of the Frank.
(All hospital sounds cease. There is a deadly silence.) Doctor:
Who brought you here?Johnny:
Some charo-captalist. Doctor:
Ahhk! The damned libertarians strike again! Seize them!
(unhurried footsteps. a door opens and closes.)Doctor:
Seize them now!Nurse:
Why should I?Doctor:
I will flog you!Nurse:
Let it go, Doctor. Let it go.G-Man #4
: You, nurse. That is pusillanimous conduct in the face of the enemy.
(muffled gunshot, followed by a thud.)G-Man #3:
That was a warning. Don't do it again. Come on, Number 4. We have capitalists to capture.G-Man #4
to bust.G-Man #3:
Reactionaries to remand.G-Man #4
: Let's roll.
This is a long walk. Maybe we should call a cab.Manager:
AHHH! Where did you come from?Manager:
The power of capitalism is quite... powerful.Johnny:
Can we have a ride to Townsburg?Manager:
Certainly. That will be six dollars.Johnny:
Son of a-
(a car stops.)G-Man #4:
For spying against the People's Republic, you will die.Manager:
If you kill them on my road, the charge is seventy dollars MS per corpse.G-Man #4:
You will die as well.Manager:
Fools. Do you dare test the power of a capitalist on his own lease?G-Man #4:
We knew this day would come.Manager:
I see I underestimated you. You are far more thoughtless than I thought.G-Man #3:
Prepare to be euthanized, old man!
(sounds of a scuffle, assorted crashes. a series of gunshots. A low rumble. Laser FX. three explosions. a shower of dirt. a creak. A tree falling. cursing. a clang. a crack. a thud.)Johnny:
That was the most incredible thing I've ever seen!Manager:
Unfortunately I can't charge you.
(a sound of steel on steel and powerful engines begins to crescendo)Eliza:
What is that
That... is the one they call... Number One. (tri-tone #2) Today... It is war.
Johnny American and Eliza Jane somehow survived a wreck, universal healthcare, capitalism, and an attack by the secretive secret police. Can they survive the horrors of... Number One? (tri-tone #2) Find out next time, when we bring you the Adventures of Johnny American!