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Thursday, December 01, 2005

Amanda the Panda in "A Very Bad Day"

(C) 2005 Ether Media, except for the Rage Against the Machine lyrics and the Communist slogans.

Warning: Amanda the Panda's first adventure is not that funny, but it amused me.

Amanda the Panda was walking through the forest one morning when she ran into her friend, Skid Marx the Fox. "Hello, Amanda!" said Skid, "It's good to see you."

"And you too, Skid," said Amanda. "What are you doing so far away from your home, the Suspiciously Happy Hollow?"

"Well," said Skid, "It's a tail of a tale to tell. There are humans who want to build condos there, and one came this morning to look it over."

"But Skid, that's your home!" said Amanda. "Why, the humans already built condos on Hornet Hill, and Fun Fen, and that's to say nothing of the Everglades!"

"I know it is. I'm inviting all the animals of the forest to come this afternoon to try to think of a final solution to this mess. Why don't you come too, Amanda?"

Amanda the Panda thought for a moment. "Well, I'll come by right after lunch and try to help. Okay, Skid?"

Amanda the Panda spent the rest of the morning looking for bamboo to eat. There was always plenty to eat in the Fantastic Forest, but sometimes bamboo was hard to find.

"Oh, I hope I can find some bamboo before lunch! Otherwise I'll have to go to the Field Biologists' Hut." Amanda looked in the Soggy Swamp, but there was no bamboo. She looked by the Swimming Hole, but there was no bamboo. She looked high, like John Murtha, and she looked low, but she couldn't find her lunch.

Amanda's stomach rumbled. "I'd better go see the Biologists. Even though they claim to believe in evolution, they'll never let me starve."

So Amanda the Panda walked through the tall green grass, and the short dusty trails, and the dangerous highway median to get to the Biologists' Hut. When she got there, she saw Bob the Biologist. He was drinking tea.

"Hello, Bob!" said Amanda, "How are you to-" But Amanda felt a sharp pain in her side and fell to the ground.

"Good job, Betty!" said Bob. Betty the Biologist just smiled and put away the dart gun.

"It's a good thing we got her," said Betty. "She could've wandered onto the highway, or into the Seething Swamp, or fallen into Pirahna Pond! It's our responsibility to save the Pandas from evolution."
Meanwhile, back in Suspiciously Happy Hollow, Skid was worried.

"Amanda should've been here an hour ago!" he said. "She might be in trouble. Come on, guys, let's go find her."

So Skid Marx the Fox, Bruce the Badger, and Al "I invented the internet" Gator set out to find Amanda.

"Look," said Bruce, "it's Amanda's spoor!"

Al shook his long, scaley head. "That's disgusting. We should put it in this box."

"You always want to put everything in a box, Al." said Skid.

"Except for Che the Chicken. Al ate him," said Bruce.

"Hey," said Al, "her tracks go right to the Biologists' Hut!"

"Oh no!" said Skid, "She was clean for two months. I went through the whole forest and burned all the bamboo, and she went back to those filthy humans to get her fix." Skid sighed and looked at the other two. "I hope Amanda's all right."

Suddenly, Bob came around the corner of the round Hut. He was poking Amanda along with a stick!

"They- they slipped her a mickey," stammered Skid in shock.

"We have to save her!" wailed Bruce.

"Skid," added Al, "I think it's time."

"Time for what, guys?" said Bruce.

Skid looked around and made a low, soft whistle. Instantly, the trees surrounding the Biologists' Hut began to rustle. Monkeys, parrots, and other deciduous forest dwellers emerged from the branches.

"What is it, Skid?" asked Lenin Lemur, "is it time to take back what is rightfully ours?"

"Yes," cried Skid Marx, "Animals of the forest, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!"

The animals looked at their feet. "Er, Skid?" Bruce raised his paw.

"It was a metaphor, Bruce. The humans have taken our Fun Fen, and Hornet Hill, and they've weakened our society with bamboo and nutrient pellets! They seek to rot away our self-reliance and make us like them! They watch us with hidden cameras, track our every movement with RFID tags, and eat our children on Fear Factor! The only way to stop this abuse and exploitation is with revolution! It has to start somewhere!It has to start sometime! What better place than here? What better time than now?"

With that, the animals fell upon the Biologists' Hut like a pack of wild animals. They pushed down the fences and pulled up the pickets. They ran inside and ate Bob and Betty. Then they burned the hut to the ground in an orgy of destruction.

Amanda the Panda slowly awoke as the flames went out. "Why, what happed to the Biologists' Hut?"

"It was the beginning, Amanda," said Skid.

"Oh, I'm very hungry now."

If this story bothered you, please let me know what I should change to make the next Amanda the Panda story less of a waste of time.


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