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Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American - Mission Improbable

The World of Tomorrow is a world where men breathe free... but not easily. It is a world where dreams come true, but nightmares are far more common. This world is a world born from minds so closed to dissent that they barely recognize each other and never recognize themselves. This is the world... of Johnny American.

We left our hero in the State University, a powerful but reclusive enclave populated by the progenitors of the world's ills. Here, in the bowels of Academia, the mighty Vote-a-tron was first conceived. Here, the warped and twisted ideologies of the past centuries sprung full-fledged from the foreheads of bleary English Lit majors like Marx. Here, in the sinister tower called the Earl Warren School of Law, where those are born who prey upon the living and the dead... we find...

Johnny American.

(echoing clang, gasp)
Johnny: Gee whiz, this is hot.
Emma: Then can we go home?
Johnny: First, you can't go home. Second, the ventilation system is the only way to get into the law school.
Emma: You could take the SATs.
Johnny: You're pretty cocky for a five year old. Pass me the hook.
Emma: I'm six!
(snick, snick. snick)
Emma: What are you doing, Johnny?
Johnny: The room below us is the dean's office. We need to find out whatever we can about their plans, but what we really need is to find Eliza Jane.
Emma: How are you going to get through that little hole?
Johnny: I'm not.
(silence)
Johnny: C'mon, let me hook you.
Emma: No!
Johnny:It's just a little rappeling. You act like you've never done this before.
Emma: This is stupid!
Johnny: Don't be such a baby.
Emma: You're a baby!
Johnny: Darn it! Just- here, give me that-
(clang)
Emma: EEEK!
Johnny: Oh-
(distant thud)
Johnny: Ohhh...
Emma: That was fun!
Johnny: Are you okay?
Emma: Hahaha!
Johnny: Okay, now look for evidence.
Emma: I don't see any.
Johnny: Look harder, please!
Emma: Someone's coming!
Johnny: Bah!
(squeaky winch noise)
Emma: Wheeeee!
(thud, thud, thud clang.)
Emma: Owch!
(pause. door opens)
The Dean: I trusst that you found your facilitiess ssuitable?
The Dr.: Oh, yes, indeed. Very much so. Hm. Indeed.
The Dean: Very well then. You will have an ample ssupply of tesst subjectss, brought from the ssurounding area. Young, healthy subjectss. That iss no problem. Your, ahem, payment has been arranged. The first batch will be delivered in the morning. In the meantime..
The Dr.: Yes?
The Dean: We have your firsst tassk waiting. It is not sstrictly in your field, but.. we could not trusst this one to Dr. Mangle. We need the mother alive.
The Dr.: Ah, indeed?
The Dean: Yess, you see we musst tesst..
(pause)
The Dean: The grandfather wass Peter American.
(gasp)
The Dr.: I see.
The Dean: No doubt you are aware of what happened to him. There wass nothing left, Dr., nothing, and we need hiss sspecial talentss. Do you undersstand?
The Dr.: Perfectly, but why can't the feminists help you?
The Dean: We don't want to kill the fetuss, we only need the DNA... it may prove usseful leverage, if brave SSir Johnny triess to interfere.
The Dr.: Oh. Ah. Hmm. Indeed. And where are they being held?
The Dean: They're in sstorage, in-
(door slamming open)
Squeaky Voice: Sir! Security has been breached!

Will Johnny and Emma escape from the School of Law with their lives and their sanity intact? Will Eliza Jane ever breathe free air again? And what diabolical plans hae ensnared the fetus? These questions might well be answered in the next exciting episode of
The Adventures of Johnny American.

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