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Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American - Back to School

The World of Tomorrow is a world where men breathe free... but not easily. It is a world where dreams come true, but nightmares are far more common. This world is a world born from minds so closed to dissent that they barely recognize each other and never recognize themselves. This is the world... of Johnny American.

Last time, our hero shattered the glass ceiling- literally- in an effort to escape Suburbia. We left Johnny and his new companion as they hurtled into the University at unsafe speeds- with the fearsome Homeowners' Association in hot pursuit. Will they land safely, despite the overinflated tires on the American car? Will Johnny find his beloved Eliza Jane and her fetus?

Johnny: We landed safely!
Emma: My foot hurts.
Johnny: Probably from hitting my face.
Emma: You're funny.
(rumble of many feet. Think cattledrive.)
Voices (Faintly): NO BLOOD FOR TOIL!
Johnny: No... no...
(click. starter whines. Engine does not start.)
Johnny: Come on...
(click click click click click click clack)
Voices (roaring): NO BLOOD FOR TOIL!
(thud thud thudthudthudududududSPLATthudthud)
(creaking shocks)
Johnny: Protestors!
Voices: EEEEEEK!!!
Johnny: That's a new one.
Noe: When do we want it?
Voices: NOW!
(window rolls down. Crowd is louder.)
Johnny: Excuse me...
Noe: What do you want?
Noe: I meant the guy in the car. That's satire, right? You're protesting the irresponsible use of fossil fuels?
Johnny: What?
Noe: You ARE an idiot. Look, if we keep using fossil fuels, the world will run out and there will be NONE LEFT FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS!!!!
Johnny: But... If we don't use gas, then won't that be the same as if we ran out of oil? except sooner?
Voices: NO SMOG FOR OIL!!!
Johnny: That's nice. Would you please move your protest so I can drive?
Body: Hey, it's the guy that ran me over!
Johnny: Uh, no, that was... not me.
Body: Yes it was! That's my watch stuck in your bumper!
Emma: You ran somebody over?
Body: See! A witness!
Johnny: There weren't any witnesses! Quit twisting our words!
Body: He's using that little girl to protect himself from my slander!
Number 9: He uses little girls!
Johnny: Wha-
Voice #818: Racist!
Noe: Let's teach this warmonger a lesson!
Johnny: Emma, close your eyes and count to a million.
Emma: I can't count that high.
(smash, crash, thudthudSPLAT creak.... creak... creeeaaaak......)
Johnny: Oh well..
(click click click)
Voice #818: It's the Homeowners' Association! They have snipers on the buildings!
(smash, smash click click click gr)
(engine starts)
(screams and crunches)
Body: Whyyyyy!
(transition theme)

Johnny: This is taking too long.
Emma: Where are we going?
Johnny: We're looking for some sort of field that saps your will to live.
Emma: I think those people look sad.
Johnny: That's because they're engineering students. No, what we're looking for will be dark, menacing, palpable evil...
Kappa Gamma Beta: HI! Would you like to support the Law Students' Association here at State University?
Johnny: Not r-
Kappa Gamma Beta: Then you can purchase a card that will get you discounts at local restaurants, stores, and houses of ill repute! Isn't that neat-o???
Johnny: Uh, do you-
Kappa Gamma Beta: They're only five dollars, and they have this deal where you order a pizza and guess what you get?
Johnny: I don't care-
Kappa Gamma Beta: A Freeeeeee Pizza!
Emma: You're funny, lady.
Kappa Gamma Beta: Awwww, look at the little girl. Your mother must have been oppressed a lot if she didn't abort you. Probably by this chump.
(ambulance passes by)
Emma: My mom lives in Suburbia, lady.
Kappa Gamma Beta: I'm sorry she's going to hell.
Johnny: What's wrong with you?
Kappa Gamma Beta: Look, STUPID. Everyone who lives in Suburbia goes to hell because they're all judgmental religious wackos. Now are you going to buy a card or not?
Johnny: I already told you, no!
Kappa Gamma Beta: Thanks for wasting my time, JERK!
(engine revs, gravel scatters)
Emma: That lady was mean!
Johnny: Maybe so, but I think we found what we were looking for.
Emma: Pop rocks?
Johnny: Why would- no! the source of the field. Those so-called law students didn't chase after that ambulance.

Will Johnny survive the terrors of State University? Will he find Eliza Jane? Will Emma escape the clutches of the Homeowners' Association? These questions may be answered during the next thrilling episode of
The Adventures of Johnny American.


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