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Monday, August 29, 2005

Everypub - In which we find our protagonist at breakfast

This may or may not become a series... Why it is written as a medieval morality tale is arcane, as there are no morals in politics. Nevertheless, in a world of Everymen and talking equilateral triangles, we find the one nut that doesn't quite fit - Everypublican!

Everypub stood in the poorly described shaft of light, regarding a minor plot device that sat in his garden. It was a strangely metallic box, echoing with snarls and screeching scratches.
"Curious!" said Everypub. "Why is that poorly planned plot device in my posies?" (A Pause.) "Dear Homeowner: Due to concerns over the possibility of a plague obliterating all human life, a bobcat has been installed in your garden. Please feed Muffy 42726 according to the following instructions."
Everypub grew angry. Muffy grew angrier.
"I will not let you out! Quiet, cat!" Everypub decided to call City Hall.
"Hello. This is Jenna."
"Is this City Hall?"
"This is the front desk."
"Of City Hall?"
"Yes."
"Very well. May I speak to someone about the bobcat that's been put in my garden?"
"Who do you need to speak to?"
"Whoever put a caged bobcat in my yard."
"I can't help you if you don't calm down!!!"
(A Pause.)
"May I speak to the animal control department?"
"It's called the Department of Animal Control."
(A Pause.)
"May I speak to them?"
"Just a minute."
(A Pause.)
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Is this animal control?"
"Yes."
"Did you put a bobcat in my yard?"
"What is your name and address?"
"Everypublican Smithe, 422 Cavanaugh Dr."
"We show a different name at that address."
"What name?"
"That's private information."
"Well, did you put a bobcat in that yard?"
"We can only speak to the owner about that."
"I am the owner."
"Not according to our records."
"Your records are wrong."
"Are you sure you gave us the right name?"
"Everypublican Smithe, 422 Cavanaugh Dr."

And Everypub spent the next two hours on the phone. At 11:00, the animal control chief went on lunch break and did not return. Everypub briefly contemplated suicide, but was distracted by yowling from the garden.
"Rex! get out of there!" But Everypub was afraid to reach into the box. At that moment an incompetent lackey arrived in an animal control vehicle.
"Miss Ishippie, I'm here to discuss your request for more bobcats."
"I am Everypub Smithe, not Miss Ishippie. I am a man. She doesn't live here anymore. And I do not want more cats!"
"Then why are you letting your cat do that to Muffy?"
"Oh Jes- I'm afraid to reach in the box, let alone right now."
"You didn't need to call me out here to handle this-"
"I said don't come, and you insist-"
"But I'll separate your cat from Muffy." The incompetent lackey reached into the plot device. The incompetent lackey screamed. The incompetent lackey clutched his severed artery. "Ahhh! Ahhhh!" he screamed. "Ahhhhh!"
"Why did you do that?! Here, let me get a towel-" (A Pause.) "911? Well, is it or not? Everypublican Smithe, 422 Cavanaugh Dr. There's a man bleeding, a lot!" (A Pause.) "Well, your records are wrong! Please, this man needs an ambulance right away!"

The following morning, Everypub walked outside to fetch the local paper. A friendly-looking man in a suit handed him an envelope. "What is this?" asked Everypub.
"You're being sued for the wrongful death of a city employee." With that, the lawyer laughed and vanished into a column of oily smoke.

To Be Continued?

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