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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American - Stuck in the Middle With You

The World of Tomorrow is a world where men breathe free... but not easily. It is a world where dreams come true, but nightmares are far more common. This world is a world born from minds so closed to dissent that they barely recognize each other and never recognize themselves. This is the world... of Johnny American.

The war between the PR and the Capitalists has ended, and soldiers have been sent home to ringing cheers or funereal bells. The People's Republic continues down its path of god intentions, less one political scientist. The Capitalists struggle to recoup their losses, reinvesting the insurance policies of their dead. Johnny only seeks his partner and her fetus. His search has begun at her childhood home, in Suburbia.

Johnny: Tell me where she is!
Taxi Driver: I told you, guey, I don' know!
Johnny: I'm not gay! Not that I judge the, uh lifestyle choices of others.
Johnny: Darn it, now I sound like Eliza Jane. Well... start thinking! What happened after you left our rubble?
Taxi Driver: Man, I was taking the scenic route, you know? Cuz I know you and your old lady could afford it. And besides, there was some fireballs on the highway. So I went by the University-
Johnny: On Route 71?
Taxi Driver: Yeah. But anyway, we were going by the University, right, and my head started to hurt. And all these roller bladers kept going in front, and then the peace protesters showed up.
Johnny: Oh, no...
Taxi Driver: It got ugly, man. They're always pretty violent, but this time they had flame throwers. I think, they were protesting the Geneva Conventions. So I tried to cut through a University parking lot. But the security guard was like, let me see some badges. And I said, we don' need no stinking badges! So we got lost in the construction, and then...
Johnny: And then?
Taxi Driver: I don' know, man. It was like, I drove by the Social Science building, and my head started to hurt more. It got all grey, and then, I woke up in a motel room with my liver missing.
Johnny: My Nondenominational Spiritual Being!
Taxi Driver: I know, man. That was gonna be some good lunch. My old lady made some caramel onions too.
Johnny: And Eliza was gone?
Taxi Driver: Yeah. But it's cool, you don't have to pay the fare.
Johnny: Here's ten bucks. Get lost.
(transition theme)
(car shifting gears)
Johnny: Alright, the first thing I have to do is get out of Suburbia and onto Route 71. These roads all look the same.
(stop. children laughing. engine revs. stop. children laughing. engine revs.)
(stop. children laughing. engine revs. stop. children laughing.)
Johnny: Hey! Kid! how do I get out of here?
Billy: That way. And then right, and then left, and then straight.
(engine revs. stop. children laughing. engine revs.)
Johnny: The houses all look the same, too.
(stop. children laughing. engine revs. stop. children laughing.)
Johnny: What the-
Billy: What's the matter, mister?
Johnny: Weren't you back there?
Billy: Mom says I can't go over there.
Johnny: Well, how do I get to Route 71?
Billy: Where's that?
Johnny: It's right outside Suburbia.
Billy: Out- side? There's nothing outside.
Johnny: Yes there is. There's a whole world outside Suburbia.
Emma: Haha, you're funny. He's funny, Billy.
Billy: C'mon, Emmy, race you to the pool!
(engine revs. stop. children laughing. engine revs. stop. children laughing. engine revs. stop. children laughing.)
Johnny: Hey! Billy!
Billy: Do I know you?
Johnny: I just talked to you. No, that's- that was a mile...
Billy: Are you OK? Hey Emmy, get Mom! This guy's got sunstroke or somethin!
Emma: Nuh uh, he's a stranger! EEEEEEK!!!!
Johnny: Oh, for crying out loud...
Mom: Emma? What did Billy do to you this time?
Emma: Billy's talkin to a stranger!
Billy: Am not!
Johnny: Ma'am, can you tell me-
Emma: Are too!
Billy: Am not!
Mom: KIDS!
Mom: Can I help you, young man?
Johnny: I'm trying to get to Route 71.
Mom: That's a funny name for a place.
Johnny: It's the only highway near here, I'm sure-
Mom: Oh, I don't believe in highways. They're dangerous.
Johnny: Yeeeah. Can you tell me how to get out of Suburbia, at least?
Mom: Oh, Jesu- shhhhh. They'll hear you.
Johnny: What?
Mom: They'll hear you! What are you trying to do, get us all.. just go! Go!
Johnny: But I need to get out!
Mom: There is no way out! Oh, don't you think I tried? Don't you think everyone has tried? But there IS NO WAY OUT OF SUBURBIA!
Emma (crying): Mommy you're scaring me!
Johnny: Uh, there, there. That can't be true. I got Eliza Jane out, after all.
Mom: You- that was you? She's out there? In the real world?
Johnny: Well, she's a little missing right now...
Mom: And... you're... stuck here. How did you get out the first time?
Johnny: Well, we went to the University... and that lets out to Route 71.
Mom: The University! Of course! That- Oh no!
Johnny: What?
Mom: It's the Homeowners' Association! I knew they'd hear us!
Johnny: Time for me to get out of here.
Mom: Take us with you!
Johnny: No.
(engine revs. gunshots. engine revs. children laughing. engine revs. thud, thud thud. bang. engine revs. tires squeal. gunshots. rattle. tires on gravel. engine stops.)
Johnny: So close. The University gate's right there, but they'll never let me through.
Emma: Why not?
Johnny: AHHHH!!!!
Emma: EEEEK!!!!
Johnny: What are you doing in my car??
Emma: The men in black were gonna get me!
Johnny: That's homeowners' associations for ya.
Emma: Mommy was scared of them and now they got her.
Johnny: Uh, don't cry little girl.
Emma: but they got my m- m- mommy!
Johnny: Geeze, uh, what's your name?
Emma (crying): Emma Selene P- Parker.
Johnny: How old are you?
Emma: I'm f- f- six.
Jonny: Uhhh, uh, uh... How, uh, how would you like to work for a Capitalist? Doesn't that sound fun? You can live with them and be a tollbooth operator or a, uh, chimney sweep...
Johnny: Eliza Jane is going to kill me.

(transition theme)
(engine roar)
Johnny: Put on your seatbelt, Emma. We're going to go over that gate.
Emma: But there's a glass ceiling, Johnny!
Johnny: And we've got a steel car. If we don't make it out now, the Homeowners' Association will get us.
(bump, bump, skitter. gear shifts. shudder. engine roar continues. gear shifts.)
Johnny: Hold on.

Will Johnny make it past the hurdles amd glass ceiling and into the University? Can he escape Suburbia and find Eliza Jane? These questions, and more, will be answered next time on The Adventures of Johnny American.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too long, unfunny, and dull.

6:02 AM  

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