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Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Adventures of Jonny American... Johnny Come Lately

The world of tomorrow is a world of freedom, and of consequences... A world of storied history and sketchy story lines... Men are free to decide their own destinies, but few are free from the destinies they choose. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, Johnny was home on leave- er, lunch- discussing relocating his wife and unborn fetus farther from the warzone. Suddenly, and without warning, his apartment was struck by a small missile. This doesn't bode well for Johnny American and Eliza Jane!

(howling wind, the clatter of gravel)
Eliza: Ooohhh... Johnny...
(silence)
Eliza: My... my fetus. (cough)
(sirens in distance)
(sound of large stone on stone)
Johnny: Eliza! Fetus!
Eliza: Johnny!
Fetus: gurgle gurgle!
(rocks fall. shuffling footsteps)
Johnny: here-
Eliza: Ow-
(more rocks fall)
(sirens stop, cardoor opens)
Cop: What's going on here?
Johnny: We've got to create a perimeter. The danger might not be over.
Cop: Maybe you do. I have to ticket you for excessive noise.
Johnny: What? Our apartment was just hit by a missile!
Cop: Exactly. You're lucky none of your neighbors belong to the Townsburg Municipal government, or you'd be up on murder charges.
(loud smack and a thud)
Johnny: The People's Republic must be behind this. Eliza Jane, I want you to go to Suburbia and stay with your parents.
Eliza: I don't have a lot of choice, Johnny.
Johnny: Of course not, you're a woma- I mean, if you have a better idea, tell me.
Eliza: No, no, my parents are fine.
Johnny: Taxi!
(brief pause)
(car stops)
Taxi Driver #435: Yeah. Wheretobub. Gottaget- Is that a dead cop?
Johnny: No.
(car door opens and closes)
Eliza: I'm going to Suburbia.
Taxidriver #435: Gotitwheretoin...
(car drives away)
Johnny: That was surprisingly easy. Now, if I can just
(gunfire)
Johnny: Darn it all!
(running, automatic gunfire. Single shots, closer. automatic gunfire. richochets. single shots.)
PFC Dean: YEEEAAAAAAARGH!!!!
Johnny: Howie? Howie, why?
PFC Dean: King Wilmagnechimphitler must (cough) die...
Johnny: He was a traitor all along. And I never even questioned his patriotism.
Corporal Entity: He was a mercenary, Sir.
Johnny: Corporal, what are you doing here?
Corporal Entity: When we found out Dean was missing, we started a search. As soon as lunch was over. We saw that he was following your trail, and after we saw the trail of little old ladies and mangled kittens, we knew he was a traitor.
Johnny: Before, I was fighting because someone made a clerical error and got us involved in an ideological war between the PR and the capitalists. Now- I'm fighting because they almost got Eliza. This means war.
Corporal Entity: It was already a war, Sir.
Johnny: Yes. Well, our mission is to scout the PR's position.
Corporal Entity: It's pretty far to the left.
Johnny: Yes. But what- hey, what happened to Sergeant Macon?
Corporal Entity: Don't ask, don't tell.
Johnny: Really? Wow. I though he was just a flambuoyant tactician. You're promoted then.
Corporal Entity: Thank you, Sir.
Johnny: That means as of now.
Sergeant Entity: Oh.
Johnny: We won't just be scouting the position. We'll be taking it out.
(cheering from the platoon)
Johnny: What the heck? Sergeant, get them marching and let me know what heavy ordinance we have. If Number One thinks I'm dead, well... He's going to be very surprised.

(full transition theme)
Hey, kids, remember me? This is Captain Midnight, your favorite flying Ace. I'm here to remind you to eat a good breakfast, so you can help fight the commies, jerries, hajjis, and possibly nips if they ever invent SDI. And a good breakfast includes a glass of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine! Ovaltine is jam-packed with vitamins, nutrients, and anabolic steroids that will make you big and strong, just like me. Captain Midnight. I've got to get back to the mission now- so so long!

(full transition theme)
Sergeant Entity: Halt. Left face. Fall out around me. Just over that ridge is the forward encampment of the People's Republic on this front, and we know that Number One is in there. Without Number One, the PR's entire front will be stalled, and we will be able to mount a counteroffensive. At that point, King Wilmagne gets paid and we go home, unless the capitalists want our help again. Now, the rest of the company will circling around to assault the rear, but we don't expect Number One to be in the rear. It's not his style. We will most likely confront him ourselves. This should be simple, but there will be machine guns, lasers, and a few tanks and helicopters. The middle ground between the capitalists and the PR is always pretty crooked, as you've seen. There should be cover, and since the capitalist base knows where we are, there will not be fire from both sides. Sir?
Johnny: That's about it. Today, I want you all to remember your training- Oh, right. Remember why you're out there fighting. Contractual obligation. And I'm fighting for vengeance and gold.
Sergeant Entity: Move out.

Will this daring raid on the enemy stronghold succeed? Will Eliza Jane make it safely to suburbia? Have we really seen the last of PFC Dean? These questions, and more, will be answered in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of Johnny American.

1 Comments:

Blogger SAMIAMNOT said...

HAHAHAHAH!.....Ovaltine!

8:42 AM  

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