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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American - Saison Finale

The world of tomorrow is a world of freedom, and of consequences... A world of storied history and sketchy story lines... Men are free to decide their own destinies, but few are free from the destinies they choose. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, Johnny woke from a rocket-induced slumber to find that he had been betrayed by the communist sympathizer PFC Dean. He quickly sent Eliza Jane and her fetus to Suburbia, then led his platoon to the far left of the battle zone. While the rest of King Wilmagne's army assaults the forward position from the rear, Johnny American and the tattered remnants of his command must find their way to the top of the position and defeat... Number One.

Sergeant Entity: MOVE YOU APES, DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?
Corporal Montague: Yes.
Sergeant Entity: THEN GET MOVING BEFORE I SHOOT YOU MYSELF!
Johnny: But really, try to survive until we get Number One.
(Sounds of crawling. Sounds of barbed wire. Distant gunfire slowly crescendoes. Sounds of lasers.)
PFC Lucky (whispering): Sergeant, I have a question.
Sergeant Entity (whispering): What is it?
PFC Lucky (still whispering): If lasers are intense beams of electromagnetic radiation, and they are produced by solid state electronics, what makes that laser noise?
(Sounds of crawling. Sounds of barbed wire. Distant gunfire slowly crescendoes.)
Corporal Arnold: Here it is.
(Snipping noises)
Sergeant Entity: Wait here as long as possible, and have your element take out any patrols. Through the fence, men.
(Many feet running in dirt. Doors battered open. Running in halls. Gunfire erupts)
PFC Fermi: The HQ is to the right!
Johnny: GOLD SQUAD COVER THE FLANK
(chink kachink BOOOOOM!)
Johnny: head right!
(thwok BOOM thwok BOOM)
(running, gunfire, doors battered open)
(doors slammed closed, white noise decrescendoes)
(thtink, thtink, thtink, thud thud thud)
(Hisssssclang. Silence, except for the heavy breathing of the platoon)
(silence)
Number One (in a raspy, mechanical voice) : As you can see, I have been expecting you.
Johnny: I don't see. I think you're bluffing.
Number One: But I had the doors seal behind you! I stepped out of the shadows and into this beam of light!
Johnny: You got lucky.
Number One: Regardless, you are still alive. That should tell you something.
Johnny: You're unarmed?
(raspy, mechanical laughter)
Number One: No. I have not yet finished with you. You see, Johnny, you and your men think you know what you are fighting for.
Johnny: Money.
Number One: Capitalism. You are being "paid" by the Capitalists to fight their illegal war.
Johnny: Indirectly, yes... But it's for the money, and vengeance. You almost killed my life partner and our fetus.
Number One: Do you see how they have indoctrinated you? You say that you fight for money, not capitalism. But, what is capitalism if not the exchange of money for value received? You are slaves, slaves to the need to constantly earn money to provide for yourselves. If you do not do what the capitalists command you to do, you will die.
Johnny: Yeah?
Number One: Yes. You there, with the squinty eyes. Do you want to be here?
PFC Lucky: No, you're scary, and I have a family I want to see.
Johnny: Quiet!
Number One: You, Sergeant, do you enjoy serving under this incompetent boob?
Johnny: Ha! Boob!
Number One: Case in point.
Sergeant Entity: Well, yes. Sir Johnny may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed, but... there's something about him.
Number One: Watch, Johnny, as your sycophants are destroyed before you.
Johnny: NO! I want to have more babies!
Number One: What in the - Time to die, Sergeant.
PFC Lucky : Nooooooo!
(a thunderous gunshot)
Sergeant Entity: LUCKY! Why?
Johnny: Open fire!
(volley of automatic fire and ricochets. gradual decrescendo, to raspy metallic laughter.)
Number One: Fool. I cannot be destroyed by small bore automatic rifles. Do you think your coming was not foreseen? Think back, Johnny American. Where were you when this began? We watched you at the sock hop, as you ran over our operatives. We examined you at the university, when you were a mere supplicant for a custodial job. That female escaped the good doctors at the clinic, but we arranged the accident that led you to us. And then... you played into our hands. You started the war that has killed so many of your comrades. Their blood... stains your hands.
Johnny: No! I did what I had to! It was your spin that started this war!
Number One: You cannot deny the power of the left side, Johnny. Your blood... Is as red as mine.
Johnny: What- what do you mean?
(flashback sound distortion begins)
Johnny (echoing): My pop was a communist.
...
Johnny (echoing): Hmm. Well, my pop was a communist. I'd like to ask his advice, but he never came home last time he voted.
...
Peter American (echoing) : Communist imperialism, please.
Vote-a-tron (echoing) : You have chosen communism. Is this correct?
Peter American (echoing): Yes.
Vote-a-tron (echoing): One moment.
(pause, which would echo were that possible)
Vote-a-tron (echoing): Your occupation (click) political science professor (click) is obsolete. Communism is the pinnacle of political science. Please hold until a customer service agent can assist you.
(doors battered open, cracks, thuds, screams.)
(end of flashback sound distortion)
Number One: Johnny... I am your father.
Johnny: No. No. It can't be. My father was liquidated... liquidated by the...
Number One: Who can communists trust more than a political scientist? Johnny, I am your father. Join me, and together we shall finally defeat the capitalist pigs.
Johnny: I could never join you! You- you tried to kill Eliza Jane!
Number One: What has she ever done but question you at every turn? What has she done but corrupt you with her progressive social policies? Hasn't she called you a literalist, a chauvenist despite all attempts to correct her spelling, and an idiot?
Johnny: I don't think she ever called me an idiot...
Number One: But you can't be sure, and her failure to distance herself from those who did promptly enough de facto if not de jure made her one of them, Johnny.
Johnny: The spin- it's too much-
Number One: Her utopian social equality is a farcical bone to special interest lobbies compared to the legally and vehemently enforced economic equality of the People's Republic! In our world, there will be no need for vengeance, because there will be no bourgeoisie-created social constructs like marriage to trap you into the capitalist paradigm.
(moans of agony from the soldiers)
Johnny: Can't- believe- spin-
Number One: There will be no painful car wrecks caused by private vehicles! There will be no rockets in your apartment, because there will be perfect gun control! There will be no draft, because there will be no war in a one-world government by the People!
Johnny: So- contradictory-
Voice of Route 71 Manager: Johnny, you must fight the spin. Use the force of rational debate.
Johnny: Why is a disembodied voice telling me to be rational? Wait- no- it's right!
Number One: Without monetary exchange, there will be no rich and no poor!
Johnny: Yes there will! A finite number of resources won't become infinite just because they are controlled and distributed by the government! Those like you will be the rich, and the poor will be poor, and economic mobility will end because the caste system will be enforced by superior firepower!
Number One: The resources wasted by capitalist competition will be used to feed and clothe the proletariat!
Johnny: The resouces are overhead, used to generate information and cause the market to behave more rationally, thus increasing efficiency and therefore economic output in the long term!
Number One: You cannot debate me! Your IQ is barely above room temperature! There are allegations that you may have been misleading in statements referring to events caused by a debunked ethical scandal! You- You- The communist model is fair to everyone!
Johnny: Fair is a moral relative, and beyond that, there is not a coherent communist system that has ever succeeded! The Manifesto was a mere outline of larger principles and goals, and has since never been refined and tested! The People's Republic, and Josef's hospital as a microcosm of it, are proof that communism has failed!
Number One: YEEEAAAARGGHHHH!!!
(ptink, ptink, rumble, EXPLOSION BOOOM LOUDEST ONE YET!!!!!)
(flying shrapnel, falling debris, gunfire, crashing walls, barking dogs, jets, tanks, and the crackle of electricity)
PFC Montague: This whole place is coming apart!
Johnny: Out! Out!
(running)
(gunfire)
Johnny: Arnold! What are you doing?
Corporal Arnold: What does it look like we're doing?
Johnny: It looks like you've secretly joined the PR!
Corporal Arnold: We've secretly joined the PR!
(pause)
Corporal Arnold: Aw, man. Anyway, capturing you will make me a more important man than serving Wilmagne could ever have done. I'll be a Politico in the PR Ministry of Peace, and you- you'll be a fathom under.
Johnny: Benedict, why?
Corporal Arnold: I just explained why. Now, come with me.
Johnny: Maybe if I use the force of rational debate...
Corporal Arnold: Your mind tricks won't work on me.
Johnny: On the other hand, you're not covered with plate steel like Number One is. Open Fire! (roar of automatic gunfire. thwok thwok BOOM BOOM tink BOOM)
Johnny: Run for the woodline!
(running, gunfire, sounds of battle decrescendo)
Johnny: Ace?
Corporal Ace: Twenty magazines, nine RPGs, three frags, seventeen dead, 9 rifles, two launchers, one auto, one sidearm.
Johnny: We're going home.
(transition theme)
(Sound of birds and gentle breeze. knocking. A door opens)
Johnny: Hello Mr. Borden. Is Eliza Jane here?
Mr. Borden: Who the hell are you?
Johnny: Haha, that's a good one, sir. You know I got her pregnant and we're living together. I sent her here because I almost got her hit by a missile.
(sound of someone getting punched in the face, hard)
Johnny: I guess I deserved that.
(footsteps w/ echo, a record is playing swing music)
Johnny: Eliza?
Mr. Borden: We got your message... but Eliza Jane never came.

Johnny American, a real "American" hero! Johnny has defeated the slippery and disgusting Number One, overcome his obliviousness, completed his mission, and saved the day!

But... what happened to Eliza Jane? Join us next season, as we follow the exciting Adventures of Johnny American!

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