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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... Johnny Got His Gun

In the strange and fantastic world of tomorrow, men may at last decide their own destinies... Few choose wisely, but fewer will turn from their paths once set. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, Johnny finally made it through the draft process and started a new career as cannon fodder. Granted, it pays better than his custodial work, but grave dangers await...

Johnny: My left arm. I wonder what they've done with it. When you cut a man's arm off you have to do something with it. You can't just leave it lying around. Do you send it to hospitals so guys can pick it to pieces and see how an arm works? Do you wrap it up in an old newspaper and throw it onto the junk heap?
Sir Uppysweet: What in the non-denominational spiritual being's possible name are you babbling about?
Johnny: I'm reading this book. The main character's name is Johnny too.
Sir Uppysweet: Knock it off. You're creeping everybody out. It's not good to go into battle with raw nerves.
Johnny: Sir, I had a question about that.
Sir Uppysweet: What?
Johnny: Shouldn't we be trained first?
Sir Uppysweet: Wellll... maybe. But as it stands, only knights are trained.
Johnny: How do you become a knight?
Sir Uppysweet: Finish knight training.
Johnny: But that doesn't make any se-
PFC Lucky: Sir! There's a battalion of armor approaching!
Sir Uppysweet: Ready the horses!
Johnny: But they have tanks...
Sir Uppysweet: Death before dishonor!
PFC Lucky: My horse is sick.
Johnny: The infantry outflanked our horses!
Sir Uppysweet: That's ironic.
(volleys of gunfire, in stereo)
PFC Lucky: Wow! They hit my helmet! I think I'll take it off and look.
(gunshot followed immediately by scream)
Johnny: Medic!
Medic Pierce: Coming! I'll save that kid's life if it's the last th-
(gunshot followed immediately by scream)
Johnny: Noooo! LUCKYYYYY!!!!!!
(enraged scream)
PFC Dean: He's charging the flag tank!
Sir Uppysweet: That's one stupid boy. A stupid, brave, stupid boy.
Johnny: You bastards! You killed Lucky!
(metal on metal, explosions, gunfire)
PFC Dean: Hey, maybe we can win! YEEEEAAAAARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(metal on metal, explosions, gunfire)
Johnny: That was a pretty gruesome death that Dean just had.
Sir Uppysweet: Yes, but you destroyed the flag tank! Without constant micromanagement, socialists cannot function.
Johnny: Whereas if you bought the farm, no one would notice.
Sir Uppysweet: You did it! The land mines helped, of course. Since I get to take most of the credit, I grant you a battlefield knighthood.
Johnny: Can you do that?
Sir Uppysweet: Just did. No one knows all of the rules, anyway... And now... (cough)... I can die...
Johnny: You weren't wounded..?
Sir Uppysweet: Syphilis... leave me now.

Will Johnny survive the war that has already claimed two comrades? What kind of crummy ending was that, anyway? These questions, and more, may be answered in the next exciting adventure of Johnny American.

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