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Monday, April 25, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... Close TOW Home

The world of tomorrow is a world of freedom, and of consequences... A world of storied history and sketchy story lines... Men are free to decide their own destinies, but few are free from the destinies they choose. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, Johnny received a knighthood from the valiant Sir Uppysweet as the veteran lay dying. Partly in testament to Johnny's heroism, and partly due to the syphilis gnawing at Uppysweet's brain, Sir Johnny must now lead his decimated platoon to abstract strategic victory in an ideological battle between other parties.

How did the Kingdom of the Frank get dragged into this? Perhaps the answer lies ahead...

(morning song, peppy bird noises. A feminine yawn.)
(humming and soft footsteps)
Eliza: Let's see what's on the telly, shall we?
(burst of static)
Announcer: As always, this is Ryan Shapiro with the LWNG news team, bringing you vital news without the fluff. Yes, here at LWNG News, we get right to the story without any annoying-
(burst of static)
Eliza: How depressing. I hope your father gets back before you're born, kid. I hope he gets back... Well, how about that newspaper, huh?
(quiet whistling. a door opens. loud whistling.)
Johnny: Hey, is there any OJ left?
Eliza: Joh- Johnny! You're home!
(poignant pause. no, more poignant than that. yeah.)
Johnny: Well, the war's only fifty kilometers that way. I figured I'd swing by for lunch on my way to the secret mission.
Eliza (shaken): Yes...
(Frigidaire door opening. Rummaging noises.)
Johnny: Say, I just realized, you're practically living in a war zone. In fact, if the People's Republic realized we had an undefended border... Hrm. I can't have my baby and her fetus living in a war zone. Maybe you should go to Urbane City or Metroton... Honey?
Eliza: Yes, dear?
Johnny: Why is there a pickle in the jelly?
Eliza: I was hungry. I am pregnant, you know.
Johnny: I still don't see how you can have a baby when we're not married. Actually, we need to get married soon. Maybe you could plan that one day while you're sitting around.
Eliza: What did you just say?
Johnny: I said I love you? And you'll look beautiful in your wedding dress but we need to do it soon.
Eliza: But what if you can't make it?
Johnny: I can always put Lucky in charge of the platoon for a few hours, run over, and run back.
Eliza: I thought you said Lucky died, in your letter.
Johnny: Well, I'll ask him when I see him. You- did you paint?
Eliza: Yeah, see, I didn't like the yellow.
Johnny: Yellow?
Eliza: Oh, I painted the place yellow.
Johnny: But it's pink now. Bright, neon pink.
Eliza: I told you, I didn't like the yellow.
(burst of static)
Announcer: Ryan Shapiro here, with the news you need-
Eliza: I hate the auto-telly.
Announcer: when you need it. There is a missile hurtling toward your apartment, Johnny American.
Eliza: Wha-
(kaBOOOOOOM!!!! BOOM!!! SCARY!!!!)

(sound of rubble)
Announcer: Breaking news- the war has spread onto King Wilmagne's home soil! Here with me, conveniently, is analyst Dig Doug Scheiffer. Doug, how did the Kingdom of the Frank get dragged into this?
Doug: Well, Ryan, it started with a border dispute between the People's Republic and an interstate manager, but Wilmagne entered the fray on the side of the crazy anarchist capitalist pigs.
Announcer: Is this an illegal war for oil, Doug?
Doug: Gold bricks, Ryan, but you were close.
(static fade)

What fate has befallen our fearless friend and his fulsome fiancee? Find out, in the next exciting episode of The Adventures Of Johnny American.

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