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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... Ad Infinitum

In the strange and fantastic world of tomorrow, men may at last decide their own destinies... Few choose wisely, but fewer will turn from their paths once set. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, we witnessed the outbreak of war between the People's Republic and the Free Staters- deadly rivals who should never have had a shared border. Yet, almost as if by the twisted hand of a mocking Divine Author, the two societies- one socialist in the extreme, the other governed loosely by a cadre of mysterious "capitalists," were set to war. Our hero, Johnny American, has just been drafted into the fight by his King, Wilmagne of the Frank.

Johnny: I can't believe I've just been drafted into the fight by my King, Wilmagne of the Frank!
Eliza: Well, if you had been on time picking me up, none of this would have happened.
Johnny: Don't blame yourself, honey pumpkin.
Eliza: I'm blaming you. And what is a honey pumpkin?
Johnny: What? I guess I better go down to ye towne hall and get that out of the way.
Eliza: Oh, god. This is just bad.
Johnny: Don't worry, I'm sure that the war will be over soon. The socialists and capitalists can't hate each other that much.
(transition theme)
(ragged breathing, sporadic gunfire in background)
Manager: Your skills have improved, Number One.
G-Man #1: My skills are beyond even yours, now.
(zwoozhing sounds, crackle of electricity)
Manager: You have become adept with the use of force, but there is more to the way of the capitalist.
G-Man #1: Superior force is all that matters. Even now, I can feel you becoming weaker.
Manager: You are overconfident.
(zwoozhing sounds, crackle of electricity)
G-Man #1: I promise you, you will bow before the power of the dark side of the dialectic.
Manager: No, Number One. I will live free, or I will die. In life there is hope, and in death the forces of capitalism grow even stronger.
G-Man #1: You are an old fool, Mr. Randall.
Manager: That name is as dead as the copy shop manager who once wore the name tag.
(zwoozhing sounds, crackle of electricity)
G-Man #1: There is no escape for you.
Manager: And there shall be none for you. Already, I have seen the one who will be your undoing.
G-Man #1: Do you speak of the one they call Johnny American?
Manager: That idiot? Of course not.
G-Man #1: Your forecasting is clouded by the randomness of your economy. Do not annoy me with prophecy.
Manager: Your unbelief is irrelevant. Very well then... Peter... Let us end this.
(more zwoozhing sounds, crackle of electricity, clatter as something falls)
G-Man #1: The student has become the teacher; the circle is complete.
(crack of thunder)
(transition theme)
Eliza: You barely touched your breakfast.
Johnny: I'm sorry, flounder.
Eliza: That's all ri- flounder?
Johnny: You don't like flounder?
Eliza: Pastries are more traditional for pet names, hon.
Johnny: What about Strawberry?
Eliza: Only strippers are named after fruits.
(silence)
Eliza: Well, you better get going.
(transition theme. chickens clucking, anvil pounding, many voices)
Johnny: Excuse me, where do I report for the draft?
Crone: On the third floor, flounder.
Johnny: Uh.
(doors click shut, crowd noises stop. Greensleeves plays in a confined space. There is a tone, and doors hiss open. Footsteps.)
Johnny: I'm here to report for the draft.
Seneschal: Name?
Johnny: Johnny American.
Seneschal: Go sit on the bench marked 'W.'
(transition theme)
Duke Jesse: His majesty is ill.
Sheriff Roscoe of Knottinwood: Indeed. I fear for the worst.
Duke Jesse: You fear my accession, you mean.
Sheriff Roscoe of Knottinwood: It is far from a sure thing. I fear losing Wilmagne when we are in a state of war. He is among the last of his kind, the last of the warrior kings.
Duke Jesse: Only because we took care of the rest of his kind...
Sheriff Roscoe of Knottinwood: They were always dangerous, you know this.
Duke Jesse: At times like these, it would be well to have that danger on our side.

Will Johnny survive the draft? If he does, will he survive the war? These questions, and more, may be answered during the next exciting adventure of Johnny American!

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