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Sunday, April 10, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... 1st Round Draft

In the strange and fantastic world of tomorrow, men may at last decide their own destinies... Few choose wisely, but fewer will turn from their paths once set. Into this world of the year 2000 is thrust a young man whose destiny was set, not by the rumblings of a machine, but by the turning of the stars... These are the Adventures of Johnny American.

Last time, Johnny American made his way to ye towne hall to answer his draft summons. He was directed to the 'group W' bench, where he has been waiting since. Unbeknownst to Johnny, Number One has killed the Manager of Route 71 and is coming... for Johnny. (tritone #1)

Jonny (singing): Tomorrow's just another day... Another way to spend my day... all by myself... Staring at the TV screen... flipping through my magaaaazine... I wonder if I'll get a gun, or a lance.
Seneschal: All right, people. Quiet down. All of you are on the Group W bench because you have what we consider unsavory backgrounds. You may not be fit for military service. Now, we'll check your records later, but let me separate the worst offenders for the W queue. When I call your name, state your crime. Mike Jones?
Jones: I fought the law, and the law won.
Seneschal: That doesn't sound so bad. Go up to medical. Ruben Carter?
Carter: They say I shot three men in a bar. But it was overturned on appeal.
Seneschal: Then go to medical. Jeffrey Dahmer? Go to room 217, please.
Dahmer: You're sending me back to prison?
Seneschal: No, I'm sending you to get a security clearance so you can be an MP. Michael Jackson?
Jackson: I didn't do anything.
Seneschal: Well, it doesn't matter. We don't allow women in combat. Johnny American?
Johnny: Uh, I don't know... I'm not a criminal. And can you tell this lady to stop touching me?
Seneschal: Ms. Jackson, you may leave now. American, your file says...
(rustle, rustle)
Seneschal: You never returned a library book entitled "Mommy, why are we different from boys."
(silence)
Seneschal: Go to room 442, psychology.
(transition theme, footsteps)
Johnny (singing): You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant...
Dr. Jung: No, no, it's happening all over again!
(running, glass breaking, scream)
Johnny: What?
Dr. Who: You'll have to excuse my associate. He has a bit of trauma from his work during some police action.. you very likely just killed him... but we won't judge you, here. Sit down... We want to know what made you become a deviant, Johnny.
Johnny: Is that like a chauvenist?
Dr. Who: Yes, exactly... We're glad you're not in denial... It will make our job easier...
Johnny: Why do you keep saying we?
Dr. Who: Paranoiac personality...
Johnny: What?
Dr. Who: detachment from reality...
Johnny: Who?
Dr. Who: Yes?
Johnny: Who?
Dr. Who: What?
Johnny: Yes.
Dr. Who: Let's start over. What made you check out the book, "Mommy, why are we different from boys?"
Johnny: Well, apparently I'm a chauvenist.
Dr. Who: Yes.
Johnny: So my bethrothed said that I should learn more about women. So, I went to the library.
Dr. Who: A wise course of action.
Johnny: That's what I thought. But all I could find out is that they have iron deficiencies and cry alot. So then I spent a couple of days trying to stick a magnet to Eliza's face. Then she said to leave her alone. So I went back to the library, and I finally found a book with pictures.
Dr. Who: Well, you sound very responsive to your partner's needs. In a (cough) progressive society, that would be a virtue, but under King Wilmagne...
Johnny: If you don't like it, just change your vote.
Dr. Who: That's all right. The money's good, here.
Johnny: Yeah, it's shiny. So am I done here?
Dr. Who: Yes.
(writing)
Dr. Who: There, I've certified you fit for duty. Go on up to medical.
Johnny: Uh, thanks.
(transition theme)
Johnny: You want me to go in a cup???
(transition theme)
Johnny: Walk like a duck?
(transition theme)
Johnny: Turn my head and- HEY!
(transition theme)
Johnny: I know I have low body fat, I was the quarterback my whole senior year.
(transition theme)
Johnny: M. A. D. E. B. Y. C. H. A. R. T. S. U. N. L. I. M. I. T. E. D. G. R. A. D. E. A. R. E. C. Y. C. L. E. D.
(transition theme)
Johnny: Can't we just skip all this and get to the killing?
(transition theme)
Johnny: Hello again, Dr.
(transition theme)
Johnny (singing): War? Huh, good god yall, what it isn't good for, absolutely nothing.. What? No, sir, it's an i-God. It has a million tiny records inside, one for every sound, and they can be set to play any song from punch cards....
(transition theme, birds, footsteps on pavement, door opens)
Johnny: Eliza? I' m home.
(silence)
Johnny: Johnny, went to get duck tape and spam for nuclear winter. Be back soon.

What will Johnny be doing in the Frank Army? Will Eliza really be back? What happened to Johnny's i-God? These questions, and more, answered during the next exciting adventure of Johnny American.

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