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Friday, March 25, 2005

Dystopia of the Day

"This is Ryan Shapiro, your man on the scene with LWNG cable news. I'm on the steps of the supreme court building in Washington, D.C., where the Supreme Court has just ruled the Second Amendment to be unconstitutional. Protestors have already caused major congestion on Capitol Hill, and more are coming. This could develop into a real million-gun-nut march."

"Ryan, are there any sane, responsible protestors who support the ruling?"

"Well, Ted, there were, but they were unarmed. In retrospect, they shouldn't have started that brawl with the NRA lobbyists."

"Thank you, Ryan. As most of you at home know, today's finding that the Second Amendment's supposed 'right to keep and bear arms' is unconstitutional is only the final step in the creation of a brave new world without violence or fear. Most guns have already been melted down and distributed to post-modern sculptors. As the country has been "happified," we've seen an incredible upswing in armed robbery, assault, and murder, proving once again that unilateral disarmament is for the best. We go now to Betty, on location at the White House."

"Thanks, Ted. I bet the pre-modernist sculptors are in a tizzy over this one. (haha) I'm here with July Toomey, who is minding the anti-nuclear protest sign that has stood in continuous moral moderation for decades. July, how do you feel about disarmament?"

"Oh my non-denominational God! This is like, a great day for peace, because, without weapons, people won't be able to hurt little children anymore."

"Well said, July, but baseball bats are still legal... for now. It's five till five, eastern time, and the president is about to begin his address on the west lawn... Wait... there's some sort of activity by the gates... A group of men, with what appears to be a "don't tread on me" flag, are rushing the flimsy and ineffective wrought iron gates. Don't worry- the secret service is intercepting them. Everything is under contol, the agents are spraying the men with mace... The men with rifles appear to be laughing, now, Ted. They are beating the secret service with the big ends of their guns... In a stunning development, a group of uniformed criminals have entered the white house, meeting little opposition..."

"Thanks for the filler, Betty, but it's time to go to the president's address. Ryan?"

"I didn't have time to drive over yet, Ted. Someone from the 'Free Texas Militia' has taken my car."

"No problem, Ryan, we'll add snide commentary here in the studio. Just make it back here safely. All right, folks, the speaker is introducing President Nancy...."

"... of the United States of America!"
"... Look at what the first lady is wearing. Tsk, tsk..."

"...and distinguished guests. I'd like to say it is an honor to be president of this great country on such a momentous moment in our history."
"Gee, Ted, the president is a moron."
"That's right, Dan."

"But I can't. Ever since the Supreme Court ruled that it could reject presidential appointments, we have been on a downward slide. A slide into totalitarianism, a slide into amorality and decadence, a slide in fashion sense. What could posses Justice Kimmy to redesign the robes of office to reference Simple Plan?"
"That was a fashion don't, to contrast her fashionable 'do,' wasn't it Ted?"
"Absolutely, Dan. Love those strawberry highlights."

"When I took this oath of office for the first time, six years ago, I swore to defend the constitution of these United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I feel that in some ways, I have failed. I have failed the American people, even as the American people have never, ever failed me."
"Partisan politics is sickening, isn't it Dan?"
"Indeed it is, Ted."

"So tonight, I come before you not to offer my support to the unjust tyranny by activist judges, but instead to take a stand. If they want a tyrant, that tyrant will be me."
"What... Uh, Dan..."
"I don't know, Ted."

"I have already declared martial law, and the military seems to be on my side, with all the guns. Paramilitary groups have pledged their support. Oh, and my first decree- you heard me, decree- is to order the deaths of the reporters and others who have accelerated the fall of our once-great country."
"I'm sure he doesn't mean patriotic, responsible jounalists like us, Ted."

"Especially those morons at LWNG news."


Anonymous Ryan Rahn said...

Why doesn't the supreme court just rule the constitution to be unconstitutional and write up their own?

8:12 PM  

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