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Sunday, March 20, 2005

Dystopia of the Day... The Return of the Machine...

When we last left our hero, Johnny American had just turned 21. He has already decided not to become a smelly, marijuana-addicted hippy, and now he gets to vote for the very first time. In the distant future, everyone can choose their own government, using the Vote-a-Tron... Join us now, as we watch Johnny American in the future, in the year 2000...

Johnny: Jiminy, this scientastic machine is complicated. I wonder which actuator to actuate?
Vote-a-tron: There is no need. My scientastic gizmology makes me a thousand times more intelligent than any machine. We can converse, just as you would converse with a chum from school.
Johnny: Wowzers! Can I score some heroine? I'm trying to break my morphine addiction.
Vote-a-tron: That depends. If you choose a government with socialized medicine, then yes.
Johnny: Gee, I better make this decision wisely, like when I decided to drink rich, chocolate Ovaltine, instead of that other chocolate drink.
Vote-a-tron: Ovaltine is an excellent source of vitamins, and with 3 upcs you can get the Secret Decoder Ring.
Johnny: What does that do?
Vote-a-tron: It helps you decipher the spin of politicians.
Johnny: Sounds awful good.
Vote-a-tron: If you choose a democracy, then yes.
Johnny: Hmm. Well, my pop was a communist. I'd like to ask his advice, but he never came home last time he voted.
Vote-a-tron: Umm, yes, how strange. *click* May I suggest Rule by Judicial Fiat?
Johnny: No, thanks. If that happened, why, we'd have abortions, and miscegenenation, and lawyers would own our souls.
Vote-a-tron: Very well. How about a democratic republic?
Johnny: Wasn't that what America used to be?
Vote-a-tron: For about ten minutes.
Johnny: Hmm, but they were overrun by the Soviets. Communism is starting to sound better and better.
Vote-a-tron: Actually, the CCCR was closer to a theocracy than communism.
Johnny: Theo-what?
Vote-a-tron: Nevermind. Why not try Feudalism? You look strong enough to be king one day.
Johnny: But my mother says I'm not to fight in duels-to-the-death to settle minor points of honor in an oppressive and archaic system created by the Franks.
Vote-a-tron: She said that?
Johnny: In those exact words, Vote-a-tron.
Vote-a-tron: Well, then. Let's look at this logically. You are young, ignorant, and parrot the ideology of your parents uncritically. You don't know what you want, but expect me to give it to you. You don't have a single strand of moral fiber or shred of will, and if left to your own devices you would starve to death in your own filth.
Johnny: Can we speed this up, Vote-a-tron? I have to pick up Eliza Jane for the sock-hop in a half an hour.
Vote-a-tron: The evidence suggests you are left-wing cannon fodder. The government you would most likely create on your own is-
Johnny: Just give it to me, I'm running late.
Vote-a-tron: Divine monarchy.
Johnny: Swell! Now, to the dance!
Vote-a-tron: Here's your receipt.


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