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Monday, March 07, 2005

And there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth-

Live at 7:00! But first, we take you to the corner of Kennedy Parkway and MLK Boulevard.

"And in the final days there shall be great tribulations; for from the West shall come the forces of a top-down regulatory commission, while from the East shall blow the hot and acrid winds of a market-based incentive system.

"And the brothers shall dispute over the kingdom, and its method of protecting wetlands from industrial contaminants.

"And there shall be four bowls spilled across the world.
"The first bowl will be of the Law; and the four horsemen, War, Plague, Famine, and Lawrence will write a minority opinion, while the Five Animals create precedent from the waste.
"The second bowl will be of Chili, and an ensuing heart attack; and after the Cobra is retired before the Crane, War will write a majority opinion, but the war shall be long and displace favorite programming on Fox. Armies will rise up in the East and West, and many shall be the protestors and bloggers that fall. Lightning shall split forever the sky into Day and Night, and thunder shall announce breaking news during American Idol.
"The third bowl shall be opened, in a horrible mixed metaphor, and it shall be called Bipartisanship. For the feet of the winner-take-all electoral system are made of clay, and shall be shattered by the ones called 'extremists.' For Seven days and Seven Nights, not including the three day weekend with its federal holiday, there shall be debate; And the filibuster will be broken by the Glowing Turtle; its searchlight will pierce the darkness.
"The fourth bowl will be shattered; and lo, red tape shall blanket the Earth; and the beasts of the field and many species of freshwater fish shall be choked out, even as the weed chokes out the blackberry in SoCal; and the EPA will flee with its child into the woods before the wrath of red tape.

"And the people shall cry out, O Nondenominational Spiritual Concept, why did we deviate from thine benevolent law, and create the federal income tax?
"But there shall be no answer, for thy is the proper conjugation. But the NEA will not understand, for their eyes are clouded. Glaucoma is not covered by their health insurance.

"There shall be many who cry that the end times are near; there shall be many who come in the name of Reform, but are false prophets; spew their words from thy mouth like Soylent Green, and repeat not their propaganda lest ye be consumed by it.

"I say these things on behalf of he who has sent me, the great Invisible Hand."


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