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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American...
Sock-Hop Mayhem

In a place that seems strange, yet eerily familiar.... In a time not too distant, yet clearly not our own... there lives one young fellow with a destiny. Tune in tonight, and every night, for the incredible adventures of Johnny American.

When last we saw our hero, he had done his civic duty and voted with the mighty and wise Vote-a-tron, and was on his way to pick up his best girl Eliza Jane. Little did the young lovers suspect that on this night, they would encounter- Sock-Hop Mayhem! (tri-tone #2)

Johnny: I sure hope I'm not late. Voting took some time, but it sure was worth it.
(knocking. A door opens)
Johnny: Hello Mr. Borden. Is Eliza Jane here?
Mr. Borden: Who the hell are you?
Johnny: Haha, that's a good one, sir.
(footsteps w/ echo, a record is playing swing music)
Johnny: Hello, Eliza.
Eliza: Word, Johnny.
Johnny: Are you ready for the dance?
Eliza: Just give me a couple minutes to freshen up.
Johnny: What? No. We have no time for your feminine frippery. Come on.
(transition theme, car)
Eliza: Johnny, look out!
Johnny: There are people lying in the street outside the dance hall!
Eliza: Maybe they're dead.
Johnny: I sure hope so. I'll go out and check. Since you're only a woman, wait here where it's safe.
Eliza: That's not-
(car door opens and closes. footsteps on gravel)
Johnny: Excuse me, are you dead?
Body: Yes. We are the victims of the commander-in-thief's illegal war for oil, that has already cost several lives and millions of dollars.
Eliza: But you can talk.
Johnny: I thought I told you to wait in the car.
Body: It's a metaphor, you idiot. Sheesh, you're probably too stupid to vote for Happy Fun Super-Democracy. I bet you picked Moderate Social Democracy, you extremist wacko. Vote for us next time.
Johnny: Uh, can you move?
Body: No, if we move the fascists win. Soon they'll start the draft back up.
Johnny: But that wouldn't apply to you, because you're not in that-
Body: It's nuance, you stupid idiot.
Johnny: But you won't move?
Body: Never. Until it starts to get chilly.
(footsteps, cardoors. Car starts. There are several crunches and screams)
(transition theme. a record is playing swing music)
Johnny: Ok, let me teach you how to dance.
Eliza: I know how to dance, Johnny.
Johnny: Hahahaha, but you're a girl!
Eliza: Johnny, we need to talk.
Johnny: Women.
Eliza: Mm. See, it's the year 2000 now. Society realizes that women and men, while not the same in every way, are equal and deserve to be treated equally. Women are as intelligent as men, and assuming that I can't dance, or I can't risk being spit on by war protestors, is chauvinist. And Johnny, I can't go steady with a chauvinist. It's called progress.
Johnny: I see... is there anything in this "progressive" society that benefits me?
Eliza: Well, we can have lots of deviant sex, even though we're not married.
Johnny: Wowzers! First voting, now sex with a poorly developed minor character. What other wonders does the year 2000 hold?

Indeed. To find out what's in store for Johnny and Eliza Jane, tune in tomorrow, when Ovaltine presents- Johnny American... The Trip to the Clinic. (main theme)

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