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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... Shock and Awe

In a place that seems strange, yet eerily familiar.... In a time not too distant, yet clearly not our own... there lives one young fellow with a destiny. Tune in tonight, and every night, for the incredible adventures of Johnny American.

When last we saw our hero, he and Eliza Jane were caught between the forces of Capitalism on one side and an imminent invasion by the People's Republic on the other. The mysterious Manager of Route 71 has already defeated two of the lesser G-Men, but now they face the one known as... Number One.

(Rumble, rumble, battle theme)
Johnny: It's... enormous.
Eliza: There's no way you can stop that thing!
Manager: Leave this place. You two have lives yet to live, and my bill will be in the mail within two business days.
Johnny: We can't just leave you to face it alone!
Manager: (sigh) Here are the keys to my car. The standard fee applies.
(running footsteps)
Johnny: (fading) So long!
(transition theme, news bulletin SFX)
Shapiro: This is Ryan Shapiro, live from Urbane City. We have word that the ignorant anarchists in the countryside known as the"Free Staters" have launched an unprovoked defense against the enlightened People's Republic. We have reports from embedded journalists, who are within fifteen miles of the actual fighting, that heavy armored divisions are surrounding St. Joan's hospital. Free State shock troops have already covered the tanks with pricey parking tickets, with little success.
Tokenblack: That'll teach the pigs to have private property, eh Ryan?
Shapiro: Well, Jamal, the Free Staters have ordered an army of mercenaries to fight the People's Republic.
Tokenblack: So they need to hold out for seven to fourteen business days?
(laughter, news bulletin SFX)
Eliza: I don't like the sound of that, Johnny. It's war, just a few miles away from our cozy apartment here in Townsburg!
Johnny: Yeah, I hope they blow up St. Hillary's too. What's a five letter word for God?
Eliza: Allah?
Johnny: It stars with a J.
Eliza: Judas? Jonah?
Johnny: Judas fits.
Eliza: Johnny, do you think that King Wilmagne will get involved in the war?
Johnny: I don't pay much attention to politics, honestly.
Eliza: But this affects you.
Johnny: I don't see how.
Eliza: We started the war, yesterday. And if the king gets involved, you might be drafted.
Johnny: Will, sweetie. Will be drafted. "Every male subject oweth his arms to the honor and glory of the King of the Frank." I thought they meant like an organ donor, but it turns out no.
Eliza: I'm scared, Johnny.
Johnny: I'm scared too, but soon I'll be an aristocrat and I can order other people to die for no reason.
Eliza: That's not good.
Johnny: Good, evil, whatever. Hey, whatever happened to that thing you had?
Eliza: What thing?
Johnny: It was a goiter or ulcer or something.
Eliza: The baby???
Johnny: Yeah, that.
Eliza: I hate you!
(silence. loud smack.)
Uh, ow?
Eliza: How can you forget about our baby?
Johnny: I keep telling you, you can't have a baby unless you're married.
Eliza: That's not- it- That's why I asked-
Johnny: Are you crying again? This seems awful familiar...
Johnny: OH CRAP. I mean, Gosh, Eliza Jane, in the excitement of starting an ideological Armageddon, our wedding slipped my mind!
(sniff, sniif)
Eliza: Does that mean...
Johnny: Just tell me when you want to do it.
(ominous knocking)
Johnny: That sure sounds ominous.
(door opening)
Johnny: You have an ominous knock, buddy. What's that? A royal decree from Wilmagne, King of the Frank?
(door closes. crinkle crinkle)
Johnny: You... have been... see lected... to fight... in the holy crusade against the vile and imperialistic...
Eliza: Oh, no...

Has Johnny been drafted? Will the intricate, entangled alliances of the two sides have any unforseen side effects? What side have the Frank allied with, anyway? These questions, and more, will be answered in the next incredible episode of the Adventures of Johnny American!


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