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Friday, March 25, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American...
Johnny Goes To College

In a place that seems strange, yet eerily familiar.... In a time not too distant, yet clearly not our own... there lives one young fellow with a destiny. Tune in tonight, and every night, for the incredible adventures of Johnny American.

When last we saw our hero, he had just learned that his best girl Eliza Jane was a Progressive. Now, he must deal with the logical consequences of secular humanism- but will Johnny American be up to the challenge? Can he survive in the post-modern future world of the year 2000? We join our hero in his new apartment in Townsburg...

"But would I be a good messiah with my low self esteem?
If I don't believe in myself, would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy holier-than-thou facade,
yeah that's what I would do if I were God."- Bloodhound Gang

Eliza: Johnny, would you turn that racket off, please?
(record player stops)
Eliza: Johnny, do you remember when we "expressed our love" and there was an accident?
Johnny: No. Was that after we had sex?
Eliza: Um, that-
Johnny: Because I don't remember much after that.
Eliza: Johnny, I'm late.
Johnny: For what?
Eliza: Do you take everything literally?
Johnny: My pop was a communist.
Eliza: Uh huh. Let me spell this out. I'm pregnant.
Johnny: Haha, that's ridiculous. We're not married!
(silence)
Johnny: Why are you crying?
(transition theme)
Johnny: I don't understand why we're going to The Academy.
Eliza: You need to find a career, and I need to talk to some women there.
Johnny: Golly, 'liza Jane, you think I'm cut out to be a college man?
Eliza: I was thinking more along the lines of custodian, but... sure, you could be a history professor or something.
Johnny: I've never actually been in Academia. Look, you can see the Ivory Tower!
Eliza: And the ivy gates!
Johnny: Why do the buildings all have glass ceilings?
Guard: Hault, supplicant! No one gets into Academia without the proper password.
Eliza: Johnny's a Native American, and I'm an unwed mother.
Guard: You may pass.
Johnny: You're not a mother, you silly goose. It's only a fetus.
Eliza: That's what I'm here to find out. (tri-tone #2)
(transition theme)
NOW volunteer:
So, as you can see, it is not only your right to murder the helple- (coughing) your right to have happy fairies take the fetus away, it is your duty. Making a baby will only cause more pollution when the baby gets a car.
Johnny: Did you hear that, Eliza Jane? Happy fairies will raise the fetus!
NOW volunteer: Technically, the non-denominational God-concept will raise the fetus. The happy fairies are just the guys who work at Dresden. That's the nearest clinic.
Eliza: And you'll help Johnny get into the women's studies program?
Johnny: Hey!
Eliza: Just kidding, baby.
(transition theme)
(sounds of wind)
Eliza: Where were you?
Johnny: One of the happy fairies took me to dinner. I asked if I could see his magic wand, and he gave me his phone number.
Eliza: Let's just go home.
(car starts)
Johnny: I sure am glad you decided to shack up with me, 'liza Jane. This is gonna be just swell.
Eliza: Well, see, the thing about that is, um.
Johnny: You want to repaint the living room? Me too.
Eliza: No, Johnny. I... I decided to keep the baby.
Johnny: Fetus.
Eliza: That means we will have a child together.
Johnny: I don't really see where you're going with this, Eliza.
Eliza: I want to get married.
Johnny: But... I like you! a whole lot!
Eliza: I WANT TO MARRY YOU, YOU MORON!
Johnny: Whoa, there. Are you having mood swings already?
Eliza: Sorry. What... What do you think?
Johnny: Well, I-
(Screeeeeeeech, Crash!)

It looks as though Johnny American has had a terrible auto accident! Will he survive? Will Eliza Jane? What about Johnny's already sky-high insurance premiums? Join us next time, and every time, for the exciting Adventures of Johnny American!

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