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Monday, March 28, 2005

The Adventures of Johnny American... Inside the Commune

In a place that seems strange, yet eerily familiar.... In a time not too distant, yet clearly not our own... there lives one young fellow with a destiny. Tune in tonight, and every night, for the incredible adventures of Johnny American.

When last we saw our hero, he was in a horrible, terrible predicament- Eliza Jane wanted to get married! Luckily, they had a horrible car wreck which bought Johnny time to think. But we still don't know if our hero survived the accident...

Johnny: Gee wiz, I survived the accident! I am the luckiest man alive!
Eliza: Owwww.
Johnny: That groan of agony didn't even hurt.
Eliza: Help... (cough)
Johnny: Eliza Jane! Are you trapped in the wreckage of my hot rod?
Eliza: No... here... for my... health...
(police siren crescendos, then stops. footsteps on gravel)
Manager: Excuse me, you can't park here.
Johnny: Please, help me get my girl out of the car!
Manager: Very well.
(grunts and shuffling noises)
Eliza: Owie. What happened?
Manager: You're parked in a restricted area, that's what happened.
Johnny: Our- My car wrecked!
Manager: On my road? Well, let's see, there's a wreckage fee of fifty dollars MS, plus a parking fee of 2 dollars per hour, plus a towage fee of thirty dollars plus fifty cents per mile, plus a landscaping fee to be assessed later, plus my time, which has already been two minutes at a dollar for six minutes...
Johnny: Hold on. What gives you the right to charge us for all that?
Manager: Why, I'm the manager of this road.
Johnny: What?
Manager: Son, haven't you ever been in an anarcho-capitalist region?
Johnny: I have a king.
Manager: Well, I suppose I can explain at great length. Basically, there is no law but the natural rights possessed by everyone. Take this inexpensive pamphlet. If you'll let me demonstrate-
Johnny: Aren't you charging me by the hour?
Manager: Yes, of course.
Johnny: Then have the car towed to the address written here, and give us a ride to the nearest hospital.
Manager: I recommend St. Joan's Hospital. I am required to disclose that I am a stockholder.
Johnny: Are there any non-ancharo-captalist hospitals?
Manager: There is one... But I really don't recommend-
Johnny: Take us to it.
Manager: You're the boss. Twenty cents per mile, of course. St. Hillary's it is.
(transition theme)
Johnny: Doctor, why is it taking so long? She didn't look hurt.
Doctor: I don't know. What do I look like, a doctor?
Johnny: Yes. You said you were a doctor.
Doctor: Hmm. Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate.
Johnny: What? Amputate what?
Doctor: Something.
Johnny: But she didn't have anthing wrong that bad!
Doctor: Oh, haha, no, no. You see, we have to do a certain number of amputations a year to keep our Makita budget from being cut. And since we rarely have to do one, your wife gets a special bonus operation!
Johnny: But if you rarely do amputations, why do you need a budget to do them?
Doctor: That's how capitalism works.
Johnny: The nurse said, the nurse said this was a socialist utopia.
Doctor: I see, I see. So now you know the truth. Well, we can't let you live.
Johnny: But... you're a hospital. Isn't your job to-
Doctor: Our job is to make everyone feel better that there's free health care, not to actually deliver free health care.
Johnny: But that makes no sense! Where is she?
Doctor: Well, she's not in that room just around the corner.
(footsteps decrescendo, two pairs of footsteps crescendo.)
Johnny: We're leaving this madhouse, Eliza Jane.
Doctor: How did you find her? You will be flogged by your overseers!
Johnny: What? I'm not a socialist. I am a loyal subject of Wilmagne, King of the Frank.
(All hospital sounds cease. There is a deadly silence.)
Doctor: Who brought you here?
Johnny: Some charo-captalist.
Doctor: Ahhk! The damned libertarians strike again! Seize them!
(unhurried footsteps. a door opens and closes.)
Doctor: Seize them now!
Nurse: Why should I?
Doctor: I will flog you!
Nurse: Let it go, Doctor. Let it go.
G-Man #4: You, nurse. That is pusillanimous conduct in the face of the enemy.
(muffled gunshot, followed by a thud.)
G-Man #3: That was a warning. Don't do it again. Come on, Number 4. We have capitalists to capture.
G-Man #4: Bourgeoise to bust.
G-Man #3: Reactionaries to remand.
G-Man #4: Let's roll.
(transition theme)
Eliza: This is a long walk. Maybe we should call a cab.
Manager: Yes?
Eliza: AHHH! Where did you come from?
Manager: The power of capitalism is quite... powerful.
Johnny: Can we have a ride to Townsburg?
Manager: Certainly. That will be six dollars.
Johnny: Son of a-
(a car stops.)
G-Man #4: For spying against the People's Republic, you will die.
Manager: If you kill them on my road, the charge is seventy dollars MS per corpse.
G-Man #4: You will die as well.
Manager: Fools. Do you dare test the power of a capitalist on his own lease?
G-Man #4: We knew this day would come.
Manager: I see I underestimated you. You are far more thoughtless than I thought.
G-Man #3: Prepare to be euthanized, old man!
(sounds of a scuffle, assorted crashes. a series of gunshots. A low rumble. Laser FX. three explosions. a shower of dirt. a creak. A tree falling. cursing. a clang. a crack. a thud.)
Johnny: That was the most incredible thing I've ever seen!
Manager: Unfortunately I can't charge you.
(a sound of steel on steel and powerful engines begins to crescendo)
Eliza: What is that?
Manager: That... is the one they call... Number One. (tri-tone #2) Today... It is war.

Johnny American and Eliza Jane somehow survived a wreck, universal healthcare, capitalism, and an attack by the secretive secret police. Can they survive the horrors of... Number One? (tri-tone #2) Find out next time, when we bring you the Adventures of Johnny American!

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